


to all the things i've lost on you

by starkilling



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura Lives, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Enemies to Lovers, Fix-It, Friends to Enemies, M/M, Makeup Sex, Miscommunication, Penis In Vagina Sex, Post-Season/Series 08 Finale, Sort Of, Trans Keith (Voltron), afab language, trans author
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-16
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2020-10-19 17:24:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20660951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkilling/pseuds/starkilling
Summary: The heartache had been nearly unbearable. He drowned it out by sleeping around mostly, filling the fiery void in his chest with one night stands he never remembers and drinks laced with heavy liquor. Until he got a stern lecture from his mother, Keith was a disaster. Night after night of panic attacks and tears kept him from moving on, until finally one day his confusion and hurt and tears turned into hate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i felt like writing some angsty shit
> 
> nsfw in future chapters
> 
> based on [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vaI7pOjc0M) cover of lost on you by lp over a hans zimmer sountrack

It’s been five gut-wrenching, numbing, horribly lonely years in the depths of an unforgiving universe. Five years since, after years of promising to never give up on each other, Keith was forced to give up Shiro to an engineer he didn’t know the name of until the announcement of their engagement. To their credit, the wedding had been beautiful. Floral pieces and banners adorned a white altar, the melodies of classical piano music echoing in the background. Shiro had looked happier than he’d been in many, many painful years.

Keith wishes he felt the same. A scar on his face went unaddressed, a friendship became distanced by war and unresolved conflict. He thinks Shiro wouldn’t look the same at him because of what happened, or worse that he didn’t return the admission of love during the climax of their battle. Regardless of whether or not the latter assumption was true, it became clear that Keith’s existence had taken the back burner in Shiro’s life. He noticed the change following the battle with Honerva’s first robobeast, waking up in the hospital to only his mother and Kolivan. Shiro never came to visit while he was recovering.

So he drew the line at the wedding. He had the bravery to sit through it, to even give a speech to the two groomsmen, congratulating them on their marriage and years of happiness to come. He fooled nobody with his fake smile and forced words. Nobody but Shiro and Curtis. And as soon as the celebration died down and light faded into night, Keith packed his things and vanished as fast as the sunlight did. The only people who knew of his departure were his mother and Kolivan, since his fastest out was working far away from Earth on Blades assignments. 

Attempted transmissions and calls fell flat, never to be answered. Katie begged for a response, Lance threatened to come find him himself, Hunk was at least kind enough to tell him that he hopes he’s happy off doing whatever he’s doing. Allura left only one message, telling Keith she understands why he left and hopes to see him again soon. Naturally and ironically, Shiro left the most messages out of all them. Ones that pleaded for him to come visit, ones where he was forced to hear Shiro say that he missed him. Funny how he’s only noticed once he’s disappeared for good.

Eventually, the transmissions taper off into nothingness as the years pass. Keith’s never able to decide whether or not he likes the silence.

Keith is eventually promoted to a senior Blade, now addressed properly as Captain Kogane. He has his own ship, his own crew, his own fleet. On the corners of space, they do humanitarian work and save struggling planets and colonies from the grips of rebel Galran rule. He’s highly respected as a half-Galran, one that stands for peace and tranquility across the universe. At one point he was even offered a position as the leader of Daibazaal, but ultimately he turned down the opportunity to stay with the Blades. Now he’s one of their top diplomats for important meetings and negotiations.

He always skips and sends someone else to the ones that have diplomats from Earth attending, knowing he’d run into people he didn’t want to see. People as in Takashi Shirogane.

The heartache had been nearly unbearable. He drowned it out by sleeping around mostly, filling the fiery void in his chest with one night stands he never remembers and drinks laced with heavy liquor. Until he got a stern lecture from his mother, Keith was a disaster. Night after night of panic attacks and tears kept him from moving on, until finally one day his confusion and hurt and tears turned into hate.

How  _ dare _ he? Keith had gone to the ends of the universe to find Shiro. Fought a clone with his best friend’s face trying to kill him, admitted his love for him, decided that he’d rather die than live in a world without him again. Had practically smacked himself into the astral plane to see Shiro again, to ask for his help. Screamed him back to life once his consciousness had been transferred back into his body by Allura. Took Sendak down before he even had the opportunity to so much as swipe a cut into Shiro. All of this, only to be left scarred emotionally and physically. Only to lose to a random engineer off of the Atlas. 

Fuck him. Fuck Takashi Shirogane. Fuck him for never understanding, for pushing him away when he needed him most. For going back on years and years of promises and loyalty and a bond that Keith assumed to be practically unbreakable. He didn’t deserve the mercy Keith had craved to give him for breaking him like this. Shiro had been the only one to break his walls down, and now he’s the very reason Keith has built them back up. He can have Curtis, his happy life, his picture-perfect stupid cliche marriage, and everything else that comes with it. But he’ll  _ never _ have Keith again, never have that loyalty, and somewhere in his mind he hopes that’s enough to make him regret.

Keith has turned cold again. He’s become an empty shell of himself, a constantly stoic man with little to say and more to direct. Someone who was once a blossoming man with soft smiles and gentle encouragement, now retreated back into the serious and bitter facade he’d been putting on since childhood. Someone who was once surrounded by a family, now back to being surrounded by nothing but an empty blackness. He’s worked himself into sickness more times than he can count, keeping himself distracted in order to avoid reality. Reality that he’s still not over it.

“Set the coordinates for Zaxra,” comes a stern voice. Keith takes his place at the control panel as his bridge cadets comply, eyeing the digital screen before him. They’re galaxies away from Earth, undetectable and off the radar. Zaxra is a small planet that’s experienced years upon years of oppression from rebel Galra forces. Maybe it had been sheer luck, but they were able to send out a cry for help. Keith was the first to answer, seeing their struggle and misery.

The colony is small enough to where just his ship is enough to face the Galra in battle. Keith has a cruiser in the ship hangar he can fly himself, leaving his secondhand to captain the larger vessel. That secondhand just so happens to be Acxa, the one person he’s regularly kept in contact with. Mostly because she’s with him in person now. They’ve grown close, but not close enough to where Keith discusses his feelings. Acxa is the only person nowadays who can ease a smile out of him. Nobody really sees those from Keith anymore.

Keith knows Acxa can see right through his stone cold stare. Like an xray, she sees beneath it all. Right into his hurt, anguish, and resentment. But she never says anything. She avoids the fight, just tries he best to be there for her Captain when he needs it most. She knows Keith well enough to accept that he may and will probably never open up again. Truthfully, she doesn’t blame him. She knew of his relationship with Shiro on a surface level, and even that was enough to understand how heavy of a loss it had been. How heavy the weight on Keith’s shoulders became.

Agents deploy smaller vessels to fight the space forces while Keith’s ship darts for land. He commands them to fly in slow and steady, to land somewhere easy for them to hide. Thankfully, much of the planet is covered in greenery and it’s easy to hide a ship with a stealthing option. Once they land Keith assigns groups based on their tasks, and pulls Acxa along with him to go straight for the rebel group’s central base on the planet. 

They use the geography to sneak their way in, taking down robotic guards protecting the doors. It’s no surprise that the alarm immediately sounds but they ignore it, blowing through the hallways with record speed straight into the central command. This time real Galran guards block their entry, and it’s a fire fight between two agents and at least ten guards. It’s a difficult battle but with the years of skill Acxa and Keith have accumulated, they come out successful. The final door whirs open and they’re met with more guns, more soldiers.

What they don’t expect is the security measures that are in place. Motion-tracking blasters greet them, too. They’re left trying to dodge fire from not only the blasters, but the members of the bridge, too. Acxa takes over taking down the machines while Keith activates his luxite blade and fights through the crowd of soldiers. It’s way too many painstaking seconds that pass until they’re left face-to-face with the leader of the rebel group, Olrak. Olrak wears a sinister grin, wielding double blasters. 

“Come to play hero, today?” The man asks, and Keith’s eyes narrow in suspicion.

He points his own gun at him, flicking the safety option off. “Not hero, peacemaker,” he sneers. "You’ve lost.” 

Olrak laughs, and Keith’s close to gaping. What’s funny? They cleared out nearly his entire base of guards, leaving only him to battle. Then he watches as Olrak reaches over to a nearby panel, slamming his fist down on a fluorescent orange button. “What did you just do?” Keith questions in a commanding tone, placing his finger on the trigger threateningly. 

The howls in the background answer Keith instead, and he realizes that this man not only has Galran men as guards, but monsters. He has just enough time to make surprised eye contact with Acxa before four bear-like monsters are barreling down on them, pouncing and attacking without mercy. They’re lucky enough to take down two right away, and Acxa shouts to Keith to tell him that she can try to handle the other two. Keith turns on the ball of his foot and charges towards Olrak, leaping and tackling him to the floor. They end up in hand-to-hand combat, throwing well-aimed punches and kicks at each other. Years of battles and training left Keith with better experience, but Olrak is at least three times his size and overpowers him when Keith’s stamina begins to falter.

He ends up pushing back on Olrak’s hands when he tries to drive a dagger into Keith’s neck. Acxa is far too preoccupied trying to fend off the monsters to help him, and he can’t risk something happening to her, too. He tries to look around for a way out, a way to gain control of the situation, but nothing comes to his mind. Keith growls under his breath, shoving into him harder. 

“Who’s lost now,  _ peacemaker _ ?” Olrak mocks, and it makes the blood in Keith’s veins begin to boil. He’s about to resort to a desperate act of activating one of the explosives in his utility belt, until he hears a boom from somewhere else. The monsters pause, Acxa pauses, even _ Olrak  _ pauses, looking off into the direction of where the blast came from. There’s multiple beats of silence as all eyes fall on the entry door to the room. It feels like the beats drag into minutes, until a figure donning white and grey armor, a helmet accented by orange steps in. 

There’s still a moment of nothingness, until suddenly the mystery person takes down the two monsters attacking Acxa with shots in quick succession. Olrak responds immediately with a yell, pushing Keith into the floor and charging towards the man. The man doesn’t even flinch, whipping out a blade and impaling the rebel leader in a single, swift movement. Olrak’s body falls to the ground sloppily, and the deafening quiet returns. Out of fear Keith turns his gun on the intruder, unsure of his loyalty. He could be from a different alliance fighting for control. 

Axca is closer to him, can see better. He doesn’t like the way she’s looking at him, it makes his blood go from boiling to ice cold. She’s gaping, jaw dropped and eyes wide. What’s surprising her so much? Why is this person causing her to make an expression like that? Frustration and confusion sink in, and his eyes narrow on the man. “Unhelmet yourself! Drop your weapons!” he shouts, and he’s not met with compliance right away. Keith places his finger on the trigger again as a warning. Finally, the man reaches up to his helmet and there’s the sound of air releasing as he removes it.

Keith now understands why Acxa reacted in the way she did. Five years down the drain suddenly feel like absolutely nothing. His weapon clatters to the floor, being the only thing that fills the silence. Standing in front of him is a face both unfamiliar and all  _ too  _ familiar at the same time. He feels like he can’t breathe, can’t think, can’t hear. He’s been under this impression all of this time that he’s put enough distance between himself and his past, that he’d never have to face it again.

But his shocked expression is short-lived, and it quickly twists into absolute fury. Keith shoves his gun back into his belt, instead opting for his blade. He activates it again, barely registering the sharp glow it gives off. He can feel himself becoming more feral, more likely to act on Galran instincts more than his own. He still hasn’t learned to control that side of himself yet, but with the way his vision suddenly hyper-focuses, he knows he’s partially shifted. A dirty, hateful sneer is forming on his lips.

“Leave.” Keith’s voice cuts like his blade as he approaches the man, positioning his weapon and steadying it at the man’s throat. “ _ Now _ . I won’t ask you twice, Admiral Shirogane. You are not welcome here. Your men aren’t welcome here. The Blade of Marmora has this mission under control. Stand down.” He says his name like it’s venom on his lips, slitted eyes staring daggers right into his very soul. 

“That’s a horrible way to greet an old superior,” Shiro comments, almost in a mocking tone, at least that’s what he thinks when the edges of his lips curve up into a sly grin.

Keith snarls, pressing the tip of his blade against Shiro’s throat, almost enough to draw blood. Shiro barely flinches and he hates every bit of it. _ "Fuck you. _ We don’t need your help. Gather your shit and leave, I am _ not  _ asking you again. This is your last chance to get the fuck out.” 

Shiro reaches up with one finger, pushing Keith’s blade to the side. Keith hates how he just lets it slide away, because he knows Shiro knows despite all of the anguish he’s been put through he’d still never harm him. “I came alone, Keith.”

“ _ What? _ ” Keith asks incredulously, nearly dropping his weapon to the floor. “Why are you here, then? To be a bother? To taunt me?” His fists clench, his teeth clench, his _ everything  _ is practically clenching at this moment. He hates himself for taking a glance at Shiro’s left hand. A ring is missing, and his heart stops while he’s looking back up. “Haven’t you done enough?”

“No,” Shiro responds. “I came to talk. To you.” 

“ _ Talk _ ?!” Keith shrieks, high-pitched and broken, and he’s right back to being furious. All of the regret, anger, and pain suddenly come bubbling back to the surface like a pot of water boiling right over the rim. “You’ve had five fucking years to _ talk _ , Shiro! Five fucking years to fucking talk to me, shit even _ six  _ if you want to count the entire year you spend pretending I didn’t exist. And no, the goddamn transmissions begging for me to come back to Earth  _ don’t _ fucking count.” 

“Okay, I—“

“ _ Leave. _ You’ve had your chance, and you ruined it. You got what you want. A happy life, a happy marriage, a happy  _ whatever _ . I got the message, you don’t need me,” Keith barks. “I’m fine now. I don’t need you either.”

“I, um,” Shiro pauses, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly, and for a moment a thought intrudes Keith’s mind. He’s missed the way Shiro gets flustered right before an awkward admission or something he doesn’t quite know how to word. He shakes the thought immediately, cursing himself for even thinking it. “I took a pod. I can’t take it back.”

“Are you  _ kidding? _” Keith knows he can’t just leave Shiro here, as much as he resents him. He has no other choice. He digs his teeth so far into his lips that they’re almost bleeding. He turns to Acxa as his blade shrinks, stuffing it into its sheath. “Escort him to the ship. I’ll have the hangar prepare a pod, and we’ll send him back to right where he came from.” 

“But Keith—“

“ _ No _ . This conversation is over, Shiro. Go with Acxa and get on the fucking ship. You’re going home.”

He doesn’t look back as he storms out, doesn’t give Shiro a chance to see the absolutely miserable look on his face. He needs a moment to collect himself. Needs a moment to recover from the five years he spent shoving away his feelings, his memories, his love. Keith requests over an intercom for a group of Blades to stick around for clean-up and returning the planet to a place of freedom. There will be a lot of supplies and rebuilding to do, and he has a fleet of members specifically meant to execute those tasks. 

As he takes the long way back to his ship, he realizes all of the bullshit between miscommunications and lectures and attempted adult-level mothering from Krolia he’s dealt with since leaving Earth will never compare to something like this. This is a level of bullshit he doesn’t know how to deal with, and his first instinct is to run from it. To cut the problem at its roots before it has the opportunity to grow. He can’t go through this again. He  _ won’t  _ go through this again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s almost comical how quickly Keith flies into instant rage. “No,” he snarls. “You don’t get to march back into my life after six years and then some expecting instant forgiveness or acknowledgement just because I’ve known you for almost my entire existence. You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for.” Now he’s fully turned, arms crossed. He might as well be stabbing Shiro at this point with how sharp his eyes stare into him. “You left me to burn. You had all of me. Blood, sweat, and tears. Hell, you even had my heart but you threw that away, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is p dialogue heavy! sorry!

Keith takes his sweet time going back to the ship, pacing through the forest like a lost animal. He doesn’t know what to make of this entire situation. The last thing he expected was Shiro crash landing back into his life after five years of separation. He has so many questions, one of the big ones being how he managed to get here. Shiro said he came alone, which means this had nothing to do with the Garrison stepping in to give the Blades their assistance. Shiro tracked his coordinates himself based off of  _ some  _ signal, took a one-way pod, and invaded his entire privacy he had managed to keep up for half a decade.

He’s already ready for Shiro to fuck back off to Earth. He doesn’t have time for this kind of drama, this kind of emotional agony, this kind of  _ life  _ again. He’s perfectly content with life as a captain, surrounded by a loyal crew who won’t stab him in the back or betray him. Shiro may want to say a lot of things, but Keith doesn’t want to give him the time of day. He’s had his opportunity many times, long before he left Earth. He wasted every single one of them, then had the nerve to marry a stranger.

By the time he’s made it back to the ship it’s nighttime, the sky as lifeless and numb as his heart feels. He recalls the evenings when he would look at it and see something more alive than half the people he’s known. The only person he considered more alive than the wonders of the universe was Shiro, and now Shiro is the reason he hasn’t felt alive in years. He punches the access code into the entrance scanner, staring vacantly as it whirrs open. 

Shiro and Acxa are standing in the control room when he walks in. They both regard him with a glance, but neither say anything. Keith keeps his eyes on the ground, dark and relentless and unforgiving. Nothing is spoken for a few minutes while Keith begins the startup sequence, until there’s a familiar rock in the ship and the noise of it roaring to life sounds.

“Keith,” Shiro starts, motioning his hand out. He doesn’t want to touch, just offer, unsure of what to do with himself. “I’m sorry.” 

Keith doesn’t even look at him, doesn’t even give him the time of day. “Acxa, did you prepare the pod?” 

“Yes, Captain,” she replies in a neutral tone. “We can deploy it once we’re far enough outside of the atmosphere… and close enough to Earth.” 

With a hum, he nods. “Thank you. You can rest, I’ve got the ship from here.” 

Acxa glances between the two men before turning away. She places her hand on Keith’s shoulder on her way out, giving him a blank look. Keith knows better than to perceive it as blank. She cares, she wants him to be okay, she clearly knows he isn’t. He nods and lets her leave, before finally turning to Shiro.

“There’s an extra room you can stay in for the night. I’ll take you there once we’re off the ground.” 

“Aren’t you going to address my apology?” Shiro asks, his voice raising a little. “I said I’m sorry. I didn’t intend for this to happen, for  _ any  _ of this to happen. I don’t understand.”

It’s almost comical how quickly Keith flies into instant rage. “No,” he snarls. “You don’t  _ get  _ to march back into my life after six years and then some expecting instant forgiveness or acknowledgement just because I’ve known you for almost my entire existence. You don’t even know what you’re apologizing for.” Now he’s fully turned, arms crossed. He might as well be stabbing Shiro at this point with how sharp his eyes stare into him. “You left me to  _ burn _ . You had all of me. Blood, sweat, and tears. Hell, you even had my  _ heart _ but you threw that away, too.”

There’s a brief moment of silence, Shiro’s jaw locked shut and Keith not sure if he’s expecting a response or not wanting one at all. “Do you realize how you made me feel? You made me feel foolish, Shiro. Who do you think you are, having the nerve to give me a half-assed sorry for turning your back on me? Give me a legitimate reason as to why I should even  _ think  _ about forgiving you.” 

“I…” Shiro trails off. “I don’t have one. I don’t know. I thought that pushing you away would help you realize that you can function on your own. That you didn’t need me to thrive, that you deserved better than a poor excuse for a man who can’t manage to stay alive.”

That hits Keith square in the gut and his eyes fly wide. “No, what the fuck? Do you really think you were doing me a favor by pushing me away?” His throat is tight, he’s attempting to hold the volume of his voice at bay. “Do you  _ really  _ think that shutting the person who helped you time and time again manage to stay alive out was a wise decision?” 

“I was there for you, Shiro, when nobody wanted to go after you. I went to unimaginable lengths for you, and not only did you push me away but not once did you  _ ever  _ address the clone facility.” His chest rises and falls quickly, anxiety thrumming through his veins like a poisonous venom that he can’t sweat out. “I can deal with not discussing the fight, it was traumatic for the both of us. Fine, but you  _ cannot  _ tell me you didn’t know that I confessed to you to try to snap you out of it. And then… and then you didn’t say anything. Married some faceless bridge boy.”

“Curtis is—”

“I don’t give a flying  _ fuck  _ what Curtis is. Curtis isn’t Keith,” he seethes. “Has Curtis saved your life more than once? Has Curtis stared into the eyes of someone who has your eyes and your face and your  _ everything  _ while fighting them, knowing somewhere in there you’re waiting, but unsure of how to get you out?” Keith chuckles, and it’s a low, spiteful rumble. “Curtis is  _ what _ , Shiro? A good fuck? Is that why you married him, because he was willing to bend over at every beck and call? Well I’m sorry I wasn’t so easy for you. I didn’t know you went for lifeless and compliant.”

“ _ Don’t  _ talk about him like that. You don’t know anything about him.” Shiro’s shoulders square, he approaches Keith with narrowed eyes. If it weren’t for the years and year of knowing him, Keith would miss the hidden sorrow. The glossiness of tears threatening to spill. “Curtis is perfectly deserving of love just like anyone else is.”

“Oh, believe me, I don’t disagree,” Keith rolls his eyes. “And you’re right, I don’t know anything about him. So what do  _ you  _ know about him Shiro? Aside from his name and how great he must be in bed.”

“Gods, is  _ that  _ was this is about, Keith? Sex?”

“No, but what the fuck do you expect me to think, Shiro? You went from single and ignoring me to  _ married  _ and ignoring me overnight. So what did  _ I  _ do wrong?” Their chests are practically touching with how close they are, and Keith has missed this fire. The hint of passion in Shiro’s eyes, the life he shows. It’s not the passion he wants, but it’s close to what he’s known for so long. He grasps onto it, cupping his hands around it and committing it to his fading memories.

“You… you didn’t do  _ anything  _ Keith.” Shiro whispers, trying to find some sort of response in the man. “You did nothing wrong, you never did.”

“Right. If you expect me to believe that load of shit, you’re wrong. This conversation is done, I’m giving up.” He motions towards the hallway that least to the guest quarters. “You did a pretty good job of doing that to me. Go to bed.” Shiro leaves without saying a single thing, but the defeated look on him says more than enough. As soon as his figure disappears around the corner, Keith sits back in his pilot’s chair and drowns his face in his hands.

His whole life feels like a barely healed scar torn open again. Bleeding messily, dripping onto the floor and letting all of the pain back into the air. His fingers lace through the loose strands of his hair, gripping. Maybe if he hurts he’ll feel again, or at least get distracted from the agony of the skeletons coming out of the closet. Even saying Shiro’s  _ name _ feels different. Instead of it rolling off his tongue like honey and hope and happiness, it tastes like metal on his tongue, like something rusty. Like blood. 

Now that he’s alone, despair sinks back in. He shouldn’t be happy about getting a taste at having more emotions than just neutrality, but it’s a rush to feel something again. To feel  _ anything  _ again, and Shiro just so happens to be in the crossfires of it. If Shiro came here thinking a simple apology would earn back Keith’s loyalty, he’s terribly mistaken. He thinks Shiro’s smarter than that, smarter than thinking that someone as untrusting as Keith would instantly take back years of friendship that had been betrayed with silence and a stone cold face. Is he really that desperate?

Keith doesn’t know whether to be offended or pleased. Shiro must not really know him anymore. He must not be worth a real apology if all he’s going to be met with excuses after expressing legitimate, reasonable anger. Sure, being kind of harsh about Curtis might have been uncalled for but really who  _ is  _ Curtis? It’s not just Keith that knew nothing of him until Shiro’s first mention of him. The rest of the group had never heard of him either, save Coran who spent most of his time on the Atlas.

There’s no way Shiro didn’t know Keith was in love with him. He confessed it, then and now. He didn’t have to say it outright, he still clearly loves Shiro even though he doesn’t want to. He’s managed to hold it and lock it away for all of these years, but this man with steel nerves coming crashing and burning back into his life has always known how to pull out his darkest secrets, whether good or bad. 

Shiro, who had ( _ has) _ every bit of Keith’s existence attached to him, won’t be getting forgiveness, and if he does, he’s going to  _ earn  _ it. If he’s lucky enough, Keith will give him that opportunity. He doesn’t see that happening, though. He much prefers returning to his quiet, distracted life where love and misery and Takashi Shirogane don’t exist. It’s hypocritical to pretend Shiro doesn’t exist after spending years on the receiving end of it, Keith knows it. But he doesn’t care. Shiro didn’t care.

A part of him wants to know what’s going on in Shiro’s dense head. He came here to talk, yet he has no sound reasoning. A litany of ‘I don’t know’s or the classic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’. That’s not the Shiro Keith has known for so long, he’s a man of reason and logic and rationality. Taking a pod that can’t be returned out to a random planet to talk to someone who clearly harbors years worth of disdain for him is not rational. So what’s the point? Because he’s sick and tired of being told it’s not him, Shiro would never try to play shitty hero and push him away, would he? He wouldn’t. He  _ shouldn’t _ , but he did. Why would he claim that he wanted Keith to soar without him, then proceed to shut down? Did he ever really think Keith wouldn’t want to be up there, high, high, high up into space, hand in hand with the most important person in his life?

It’s not his intention to fall asleep in the chair, but he does, the lingering taste of iron on his lips. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> > “What choice do I have?” He turns his head away with a sneer forming on his lips. “You can’t just ditch the Garrison, and this isn’t healthy for either of us. You know it. It’s best that I take you back, and we can pretend you didn’t stalk me out to a random planet.”
>> 
>> “When’s the last time you made a healthy decision, Keith?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i am SO sorry this took so long!!! i am working overtime almost every week pls forgive me. thank u for your patience, we're in the final stretch! i may add on a chapter i haven't decided xoxo
> 
> p.s. i did very lazy proofreading bc im sick woops

Keith wakes slowly, fatigue flooding with a heavy weight into his bones. His control panel is a dim light in front of him, displaying a map of the ship’s current path. They’re a few galaxies away from Earth now, passing by small uninhabited planets that are of little interest. He runs his fingers through the loose strands of his hair, then allows his palms to cradle his face. As sleep fades away, stress seeps in. Shiro is still on the ship. He’s still an ever-present obstacle, disrupting the tranquility of Keith’s secluded lifestyle.

Soon, though, he won’t have to worry about it anymore. Soon, he’ll drop Shiro off at Earth and make his escape back into the endless depths of the universe. Acxa likes to refer to his habits as escaping, and he hates it, but he despises it so much because she’s right. He’s escaping from a lot things. From Shiro, from feelings, from facing the harsh reality that he’s nothing but an afterthought of a person in most lives. Shiro can go back to Curtis, Keith can go back to isolation.

He sees his reflection in the glow of the panel, and since when have the circles under his eyes gotten so dark? And, Galran heritage be damned, is that a grey hair? Keith wants to claw his very sight away—is this why he’s been rejected? Has war aged him so much that he isn’t the glowing, young light he used to be? Surely his attitude was far from anything bright, but he has eyes. And Shiro’s always told him that they’re a beautiful violet, that his raven hair is silky and fitting for him. The great battle has left a scar on them all, he knows this. Keith reaches up and brushes his fingers over his cheek; some of them are more physical than others. 

Like a curse disguised as a blessing, the whirring noise of the door shakes him away from his attempts to reason with fate, and Keith doesn’t have to turn around to know it’s Shiro who’s walking through the entry.

“We should be close enough to Earth to safely escort you back in about half a quintant,” Keith states, monotone. He doesn’t look back, he hears the steps closing in on him.

A calm hand comes to rest on his shoulder and he flinches, trying to shrug it off. “Keith,” Shiro says, and Keith’s always been weak for the way he starts off with his name. It shouldn’t still send goosebumps flying across his arms, but he bristles. “You know you don’t have to do this.”

“What choice do I have?” He turns his head away with a sneer forming on his lips. “You can’t just ditch the Garrison, and this isn’t healthy for either of us. You know it. It’s best that I take you back, and we can pretend you didn’t stalk me out to a random planet.”

“When’s the last time you made a healthy decision, Keith?”

Shiro sounds strained, and it guts Keith to be called out so bluntly. He doesn’t say anything back, but the damage is done, and his skin goes from sharp prickles to an aching burn. “And I didn’t stalk you. Katie recognized the transmission line and picked it up.”

The mention of Pidge pulls at his heart. Next to Shiro, she tried to reach him the most. Her messages were so painful, and he doesn’t have the bravery to delete them. She’d send them late at night, a crack in her voice as she tried time and time again to encourage him to come back. Sometimes she’d update him on technological advancements, on diplomacy with Galrans and other races. Despite begging him to come back, she never mentioned Shiro. Not once, because if she was going to hurt him by pleading with him, she knows to damage control.

Katie’s last message is the worst of them all. It left Keith in hysterics for days, and for someone who never shows his true feelings, Acxa was worried sick. He stills hears her desperate, broken sobs echoing in his mind, repeating his name over and over and telling him how much she misses him and how he’s always been there when she needs it. At the end of the transmission, she says she loves him. Says goodbye, that she hopes he’s been listening. Keith remembers the stray pieces of his heart shattering, splintering and sharp.

“Sounds like her,” he laughs bitterly. “She’s always been able to recognize Blade signals, ever since the moment I began training.”

“She misses you,” Shiro offers, and finally Keith can’t avoid looking at him. He looks hopeful, far too hopeful for a man who has burned bridges and the roads leading up to them. “We all do.”

Anger sinks right back in. “Don’t lie,” he growls under his breath, driving daggers with his eyes. “Lying isn’t becoming of you, Shiro. I’ve always been replaceable. You figured it out when I joined the Blades, I’m sure it was less hard the second time around. Don’t act like I didn’t notice the way you all looked at me like I was a nuisance. Allura hated me.”

“That was _so _long ago Keith, that’s not fair.” And maybe it isn’t, but he doesn’t care. “We were still learning how to be a team, and it was a confusing time for us all. Allura came around.”

Keith knows he’s been cornered, so he stands, bringing the ship back to full power. “Right, and yet you replaced me with Curtis.” 

Shiro visibly stiffens, and crosses his arms. He doesn’t say anything, so Keith claims a personal victory. He’s not wrong. Despite Curtis and Keith being polar opposites, somehow Shiro found a path to substitution. 

“I’m not going to let you go back to the way you were as a teenager, Acxa told me you’ve been unstable for a while now.”

So Acxa’s opened her mouth, too. Keith can’t find it in him to be upset because she genuinely cares, but it still leaves a sour taste on his lips. “Emotions are fickle in the eyes of danger, Shiro.” Keith wears a sickened half-smile, shaking his head.

“Danger?” Shiro repeats in disbelief, raising his voice. “You consider me dangerous?”

Is he still that oblivious? “How could I not?” Keith quips, the volume of his voice matching Shiro’s. “We went over this yesterday. All of the ways you broke down my walls, what lengths I was willing to go to in order to protect you, the fact that I _confessed _to you.” Keith knows he looks like he’s ready to break down again. “I told you, you had all of me, and my repayment was a slap in the face and a shitty last minute marriage.”

This time, Shiro doesn’t bother to defend his marriage with Curtis, which is fine. Keith is too distracted by the distant noise of his alert system. It pulls his attention away, and he swivels in his chair to check the controls. As he does, Acxa stumbles in. “Did you hear them?” She’s wheezing, like she rushed straight to his side, and Keith nods slowly. 

“Yes, but I don’t think it’s that serious. We’re in a quadrant with rumored rogue activity that attacks supply lines. It shouldn’t be that hard to slap them on the wrist and send them on their way.” He stands up, smoothing out his uniform and trudging over to the doors for the ship bay. “I’ll handle it, take the controls—“

“I’m coming,” Shiro interjects and Keith’s immediately rolling his eyes. He doesn’t have the energy to tell Shiro no, and lets him follow behind. 

He points out a ship for Shiro to take. “Fine. But if something happens to you, don’t expect me to come running. Not anymore.”

Shiro doesn’t look like he believes Keith. Keith won’t admit it, but he doesn’t believe himself either. They part ways and board the fighters, and Keith breathes deep as his display screen meets the endless black of space. It’s no effort to get to the rogues, and Keith immediately makes himself known through transmission.

To Shiro’s surprise, Keith speaks fluent Galran to the ship in question, unable to understand any of the exchange. When did Keith learn to speak? He recalls Krolia teaching him simple communication phrases, but never anything extensive. What doesn’t surprise him is how smooth it sounds rolling off of Keith’s tongue, like it’s his first language. Maybe, before Shiro’s arrival, it’s all he’s been speaking. He doesn’t have a reason to speak anything else these days.

There’s a telltale sound of stress in Keith’s voice that’s easy to pick up, and before them both their screens flicker into an image. It’s a video transmission of the Galran pilot, except it’s not Galran at all. It’s a druid, and Shiro’s jaw has dropped so far it might as well be resting on the panel. 

“That’s… not possible,” Keith curses, pulling his ship away to try to put distance between them. “I thought Macidus was the last of them." He pauses. Then, "Shiro, get back to the ship.”

“What? Why?” 

Keith grits his teeth. “If you give so much of a shit about me like you’re suddenly claiming to, then get back to the fucking ship and don’t ask me stupid questions.” And finally, he can see on his screen how Shiro retreats without saying anything. Keith does not, instead choosing to charge the druid with all he’s got, opening fire onto the jet.

Beams of lilac come blaring into his eyesight, and Keith puts forth his best effort to dodge the fire. He’s not sure what the druid is capable of inside of a vehicle. He’s only ever dealt with them in person when it came to combat. This is different, he doesn’t know what they’re capable of on a vessel. Focusing is difficult. He’s at a loss trying to think of how to handle this situation. What matters is that Shiro’s out of danger, and if he’s able to keep distracting the druid then the rest of his crew will be safe as well.

Again, Shiro’s voice comes slinking back to his attention. “You don’t have to do this alone, Keith,” he says, and the frustration starts to boil in again. “Let me help you.”

“Stop!” This time he’s shouting, hands tightening on the thrusters. “Stop pretending like you care. I lost you long ago, Shiro, don’t make Curtis lose you too because I’m sure he won’t be able to handle it like I can.” But he’s not handling anything at all.

There’s a brief beat of silence, one so deafening that Keith forgets he’s in battle altogether.

“Fuck, Keith, fine. I didn’t want to tell you like this. Curtis and I aren’t together anymore.”

It takes too long to sink in. Keith is left dumbfounded, blindsided, in shock. For how long have they been broken up, and why? He isn’t some sort of shitty rebound, is he? Shiro would never stoop so low. He can’t gather the ability to react, and it’s enough for him to completely miss the streak of lightning flying at him. It’s the shrill crackle that snaps him back into the present, but he’s met with memories at the same time of when Macidus burned his hand. The lightning is unforgiving, dark, merciless.

He’s never forgotten the sound, and somehow it sounds so much worse as it’s striking his fighter, cutting all power. Taking off a wing. Lack of noise immediately turns into too much noise. Someone’s screaming. It might be him, but blood is rushing in his ears and he’s scrambling to get control as he tumbles into the planet’s atmosphere below them. There’s a distant call of his name, but it’s faded and akin to a hallucination. Blaring alarms warning him of impending impact. Overheating engine. Shattered wing. Fire. Closing his eyes doesn’t help.

Keith gets a good look at the rocks in his nosedive, wonders where everything in his life went wrong, then much like universe his vision is met with a flurry of colors and the complete, unrelenting blackness that follows. 

**Author's Note:**

> follows me on twitter @ [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/starkillling) fam, comments + kudos make my heart go doki


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